Pathetic. I sit here in my car crying. Partly because I chose to cause a scene but mostly because I'm tired. Tired of being treated like I'm worthless. Tired of having no vision of the future, just merely existing, surviving one day after the next. Tired of longing for love.
I met Kevin during my masters program. We were both going to school to be nurse practitioners. I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship and had no interest in or any business dating. Kevin and I had sat beside one another in class for an entire year. We had never really spoken. I'm not really sure what happened but after the end of a grueling 12 month program I found myself sitting across from him at a table at Olive Garden. I had never really noticed him as being handsome before but as I got a better look at him I noticed some features about him that apparently I had missed when sitting to his side. After that day we were together almost every day. Typical of a new romance. He admired me. He thought I was smart, accomplished and pretty, and he was charming to me. He was in good spirits, had a strong work ethic and appeared to be looking for an intelligent and strong woman. At the time, I thought I was that. He have me everything I craved, especially since I had gotten out of a disastrous relationship. I was, however, cautious. I was so terrified of getting burned once again that I resisted him for a long time. Looking back, I think the chase was what made me so appealing to him.
That day at Olive Garden was over two and a half years ago. Things have changed a lot since then. I went from a confident, ambitious woman with a bright future to a pathetic empty shell, spending every day just wishing he would look at me. I no longer do things for myself. I used to be passionate about fitness and taking care of myself. That's one of the things I think Kevin liked about me. I haven't exercised to speak of in about two years. There are reasons behind this but I won't get into that right now. The hopes and dreams I had for my life are gone. I'm lonely. It consumes me. I cant talk about it because if I do I'm a "Debbie Downer." I have had some depressed times in my life, but right now I can't recall feeling any worse about myself. There is no life left in me. I have been in some low places in my life, and I'm trying to think about a time when I felt worse. Despite my best efforts, I can't think of any.
It is difficult for me to discern between what is a distorted perception and fact. I try to see both sides. I try to be reasonable. I try to analyze things from a different angle. Nothing can shake me from thinking that our relationship is completely artificial. He never touches me without being asked. He hasn't taken me on a date in months. During his off time, he finds something else to do while I am at home alone with the kids. He asks me if I am capable of smiling. I am very capable. And I want to so bad. I just can't when I know in the pit of my stomach that this man does not love me.
So why not leave? I have several reasons why I won't leave right now. I say reasons because I don't want to use the word excuses. At this point in time, I do not see that I have the need to make excuses for staying. Like most seriously involved couples, a lot of things in life tie us together. I live in his house. I work for his business. I work odd hours and have no one to help me with my kids on my work days. Lastly, I suppose, I still have some shred of hope that one day I will have his approval. I am waiting for him to decide he loves me. How pathetic.
The sheer "patheticness" really hit me yesterday when I was searching for articles about what to do when your man doesn't love you. Thanks Google for the great technology indicating that I have already read the articles months ago. My kindle library is filled with relationship and marriage books. I have channeled every bit of my mental energy into a relationship that I am, after three years, realizing is doomed to fail. How could I not respect myself more than this? That's what I asked myself while I sat in my car crying while he was telling me what an idiot and an embarrassment I was to him. Why did I so desperately need his approval? Why did I even care if he loved me? He obviously doesn't want to. Why am I reading books and revolving my life around fixing something that he doesn't want to fix? Is it possible for one person to fix a relationship?
This journal is called "The last 60." I wrote this entry on 3/14/16. I am going to take 60 days and try the best I can to make it work. I can do anything for 60 days, so I can take the rejection for 60 more days. I am going to try. I think that channeling my thoughts into the journal will help channel some of my emotions. Apparently they are many, as this was intended to be a brief article. The things that Kevin says that he wants is:
1.) stop complaining
2.) more and better sex
That is going to be difficult for me. And Kevin would tell you that's just because I'm a complainer and that's all I am. I am not a person, I am just a complainer. Like I come in a box stamped "complainer" and inside that box is a vagina for him to use whenever he wants. He doesn't have to pay attention to me, touch me or anything else a man is supposed to do for his woman. I'm just supposed to be on ready any time.
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