I'm having a hard time today. The sex thing is really getting to me. Last night after he verbally annihilated me, and I stood looking at him with tears in my eyes, he asked me for a blow job. I felt really violated. It is not the first time he has asked me for sex after talking to me horrible. Maybe I have the wrong idea, but I thought sex was supposed to be a demonstration of love not some act you endure to avoid further verbal assault. I look up at him to make eye contact with him and he shoves my head back down. I felt like a cheap hooker. Then he turned me around to have sex with him while I cried. He didn't care how it made me feel.
Anyway, enough on that topic. It sucks but I am not going to put anymore thought into it today. My goals for the next 59 days are to stay calm and not let my emotions get to me. I am just going to set my needs aside for a while. After all, there is no way I could feel any worse. I will do as he has asked. I will bite my tongue. I won't ask him to spend any time with me. I'll indulge him in sex when he wants. I will pretend like I am happy. This is going to be really hard. I don't understand why I am the one who tries to put the pieces together for someone who is just indifferent to me. It's as if I am the captain of a sinking ship, doomed to go down while the crew members flee. What am I hoping to accomplish? Anyway, I will be his roommate and vagina like he wants and see if it helps anything. I really think he wants a relationship based on lust and not love. After all, he loves other people who don't furnish him sex, yet his loving me has to be conditional on sex.
Each day will be a review of how the previous day went. I have to say yesterday did not go well. It is terribly hard to deal with. Being left alone. At least if I were single I could have somewhat of a social existence. I lost it yesterday. I broke. And he lets me know how broken he thinks I am. Today is a series of complaints of how the sex is not good enough. Apparently because he is "used to" girls who want their heads shoved down to his groin. All the girls he has been with wants it rough and wants their hair pulled. And because I want to be respected, I am defective. Truthfully, I cant understand how any self-respecting woman would want to be tossed about like some dog's chew toy. I really want to ask why doesn't he just find someone else since what I have to offer can't be satisfying to him. I picked up the phone to ask him then thought better of it. It will only be throwing gasoline on the forest fire that is our relationship. Besides I don't want to give him any more reasons to tell me how crazy i am.
I am giving myself two assignments tomorrow. I am going to name 10 reasons to try to salvage this relationship. I am also going to name 10 reasons why I deserve better. I will also include an account of how the rest of the day goes. I have asked him for some romance tonight.
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