Days 3 & 4 -Slight improvement

I was a slacker and did not complete the assignments I had assigned myself.  My mom and I took the kids to the zoo.  Overall it was a great day.  It was nice to get to spend time with my family.  Kevin tried to give me a hard time about going but it dissolved pretty quickly.  Basically, in exchange for him not giving me an ass chewing about going with my family, I owed him sex when I got home.  He told me that he wouldn't chew me out for going, but if my family comes in "his" house that "I am going to lose it."  We had that fight earlier in the day and several times prior in the relationship.  Since it is his house, I don't really have any rights.  So, I can't have company and if I do, they are restricted as to how long they can stay, how frequent they come over, what parts of the house they can enter and how loud they talk.  I feel like I am 14 years old.

Anyways, of course I fulfilled my duties last night when I got home.  I tried really hard to enjoy it but I really couldn't.  I am starting to feel like such a doormat.  It's like he doesn't see me as anything but a hole and a mouth to put his dick in.  I had to pitch a fit for him to even touch me.  I guess I am just always supposed to give him whatever he wants at my own expense.  I suppose, however, that is what I have vowed myself to do for the next 57 days, so I can't complain all that much.  It just feels like the more I try to give, the more he violates my boundaries.  I am starting to feel like I might not be able to sustain this for the next 57 days.  It is already taking a toll on my being.

It really annoyed me this morning that he woke me up for sex.  At least he touched some other parts of my body this time.  I was starting to wonder if he noticed there was a body attached to my vagina.  So this was a slight improvement.  I had offered for him to work today so that he could take Kayson and his family to the zoo.  He has been so consumed in his work that he really needed the time to get away.  He tried to start in on me about going with my family and not taking Kayson, but that actually dissolved pretty quickly, although I was upset for a good part of the day.  I didn't bother him all day.  He was actually in a good mood when he got back.  He made an effort to carry on a conversation with me which was  a pleasant surprise.  We stayed up kind of late because of course he wanted sex and I obliged as I had committed myself to do. So, I will give the day a 5/10.  It is an improvement of the usual 2/10.

Day 2 - Pulling myself back together

I'm having a hard time today.  The sex thing is really getting to me.  Last night after he verbally annihilated me, and I stood looking at him with tears in my eyes, he asked me for a blow job.  I felt really violated.  It is not the first time he has asked me for sex after talking to me horrible.  Maybe I have the wrong idea, but I thought sex was supposed to be a demonstration of love not some act you endure to avoid further verbal assault.  I look up at him to make eye contact with him and he shoves my head back down.  I felt like a cheap hooker.  Then he turned me around to have sex with him while I cried.  He didn't care how it made me feel.

Anyway, enough on that topic.  It sucks but I am not going to put anymore thought into it today.  My goals for the next 59 days are to stay calm and not let my emotions get to me.  I am just going to set my needs aside for a while.  After all, there is no way I could feel any worse.  I will do as he has asked.  I will bite my tongue.  I won't ask him to spend any time with me.  I'll indulge him in sex when he wants.  I will pretend like I am happy.  This is going to be really hard.  I don't understand why I am the one who tries to put the pieces together for someone who is just indifferent to me.  It's as if I am the captain of a sinking ship, doomed to go down while the crew members flee.  What am I hoping to accomplish?  Anyway, I will be his roommate and vagina like he wants and see if it helps anything.  I really think he wants a relationship based on lust and not love.  After all, he loves other people who don't furnish him sex, yet his loving me has to be conditional on sex.

Each day will be a review of how the previous day went.  I have to say yesterday did not go well.  It is terribly hard to deal with.  Being left alone.  At least if I were single I could have somewhat of a social existence.  I lost it yesterday.  I broke.  And he lets me know how broken he thinks I am.  Today is a series of complaints of how the sex is not good enough.  Apparently because he is "used to" girls who want their heads shoved down to his groin.  All the girls he has been with wants it rough and wants their hair pulled.  And because I want to be respected, I am defective.  Truthfully, I cant understand how any self-respecting woman would want to be tossed about like some dog's chew toy.  I really want to ask why doesn't he just find someone else since what I have to offer can't be satisfying to him.  I picked up the phone to ask him then thought better of it.  It will only be throwing gasoline on the forest fire that is our relationship.  Besides I don't want to give him any more reasons to tell me how crazy i am.

I am giving myself two assignments tomorrow.  I am going to name 10 reasons to try to salvage this relationship.  I am also going to name 10 reasons why I deserve better.  I will also include an account of how the rest of the day goes.    I have asked him for some romance tonight.

The Last 60

Pathetic. I sit here in my car crying. Partly because I chose to cause a scene but mostly because I'm tired. Tired of being treated like I'm worthless. Tired of having no vision of the future, just merely existing, surviving one day after the next. Tired of longing for love.

I met Kevin during my masters program. We were both going to school to be nurse practitioners. I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship and had no interest in or any business dating.  Kevin and I had sat beside one another in class for an entire year. We had never really spoken. I'm not really sure what happened but after the end of a grueling 12 month program I found myself sitting across from him at a table at Olive Garden. I had never really noticed him as being handsome before but as I got a better look at him I noticed some features about him that apparently I had missed when sitting to his side.  After that day we were together almost every day.  Typical of a new romance.  He admired me.  He thought I was smart, accomplished and pretty, and he was charming to me.  He was in good spirits, had a strong work ethic and appeared to be looking for an intelligent and strong woman.  At the time, I thought I was that.  He have me everything I craved, especially since I had gotten out of a disastrous relationship.  I was, however, cautious.  I was so terrified of getting burned once again that I resisted him for a long time.  Looking back, I think the chase was what made me so appealing to him.

That day at Olive Garden was over two and a half years ago.  Things have changed a lot since then.  I went from a confident, ambitious woman with a bright future to a pathetic empty shell, spending every day just wishing he would look at me.  I no longer do things for myself.  I used to be passionate about fitness and taking care of myself.  That's one of the things I think Kevin liked about me.  I haven't exercised to speak of in about two years.  There are reasons behind this but I won't get into that right now.  The hopes and dreams I had for my life are gone.  I'm lonely.  It consumes me.  I cant talk about it because if I do I'm a "Debbie Downer."  I have had some depressed times in my life, but right now I can't recall feeling any worse about myself.  There is no life left in me.  I have been in some low places in my life, and I'm trying to think about a time when I felt worse.  Despite my best efforts, I can't think of any.

It is difficult for me to discern between what is a distorted perception and fact.  I try to see both sides.  I try to be reasonable.  I try to analyze things from a different angle.  Nothing can shake me from thinking that our relationship is completely artificial.  He never touches me without being asked.  He hasn't taken me on a date in months.  During his off time, he finds something else to do while I am at home alone with the kids.  He asks me if I am capable of smiling.  I am very capable.  And I want to so bad.  I just can't when I know in the pit of my stomach that this man does not love me.

So why not leave?  I have several reasons why I won't leave right now.  I say reasons because I don't want to use the word excuses.  At this point in time, I do not see that I have the need to make excuses for staying.  Like most seriously involved couples, a lot of things in life tie us together.  I live in his house.  I work for his business.  I work odd hours and have no one to help me with my kids on my work days.  Lastly, I suppose, I still have some shred of hope that one day I will have his approval.  I am waiting for him to decide he loves me.  How pathetic.

The sheer "patheticness" really hit me yesterday when I was searching for articles about what to do when your man doesn't love you.  Thanks Google for the great technology indicating that I have already read the articles months ago.  My kindle library is filled with relationship and marriage books.  I have channeled every bit of my mental energy into a relationship that I am, after three years, realizing is doomed to fail.  How could I not respect myself more than this?  That's what I asked myself while I sat in my car crying while he was telling me what an idiot and an embarrassment I was to him.  Why did I so desperately need his approval?  Why did I even care if he loved me?  He obviously doesn't want to.  Why am I reading books and revolving my life around fixing something that he doesn't want to fix?  Is it possible for one person to fix a relationship?

This journal is called "The last 60."  I wrote this entry on 3/14/16.  I am going to take 60 days and try the best I can to make it work.  I can do anything for 60 days, so I can take the rejection for 60 more days.  I am going to try.  I think that channeling my thoughts into the journal will help channel some of my emotions.  Apparently they are many, as this was intended to be a brief article.  The things that Kevin says that he wants is:
1.) stop complaining
2.) more and better sex
That is going to be difficult for me.  And Kevin would tell you that's just because I'm a complainer and that's all I am.  I am not a person, I am just a complainer.  Like I come in a box stamped "complainer" and inside that box is a vagina for him to use whenever he wants.  He doesn't have to pay attention to me, touch me or anything else a man is supposed to do for his woman.  I'm just supposed to be on ready any time.